


I Imagine (part2)

by Pocketism



Series: I Imagine [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brotp, Clarke Griffin & Raven Reyes are Best Friends, F/F, F/M, Happy Ending, Imaginary Friends, Original Character(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-06-27 11:50:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15684858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pocketism/pseuds/Pocketism
Summary: (I'm bad at titles lol sorry)This is a continuation of I Imagine. Clarke's journey with Teddy and her friends continues.I suck at summaries





	1. The Story so Far

**Author's Note:**

> Our story so far...
> 
> This is a short summary of the previous story, slapped together.  
> I don't own The 100, I do own Teddy.

Teddy. Teddy makes me smile when everything seems awful. He always says the right thing at the right time and says it exactly how I want to hear it. Mostly because Teddy isn't real. I look up and it's almost like double-vision. In one eye I can see a teenager with curly blonde hair and blue eyes with a goofy grin and in the other I see nothing. He's my...imaginary friend...I think I remember reading in a book once. Maybe he's my way of coping with reality. The real difference being that in what I've read children's imaginary friends are colorful and oblong and insanely out of place. But I see Teddy and I think he looks like anybody else.

I think he looks like me. Maybe it's a twisted form of narcissism.

* * *

"We'll have time to talk later...they'll think I'm insane if I'm just standing here talking to you." I brush by him, he immediately follows.

" _Who says you're not? I mean a seventeen year old with an imaginary friend? Still hurtful by the way, I am more real than most of the things these losers dream about at night."_

* * *

"I know that." I mumble. Because Teddy to me _is_ real...he's been here to long to just _be_ imaginary. Maybe he's my conscious.

"There are Grounders still here." I say instead. "But the good news is if they can survive down here for ninety-seven years then we can make it too." It feels better knowing the radiation won't kill us. That there's still something we can learn about our past...if only they were less...violent.

"Bad news- the Grounders will." Finn mutters. I ignore him, trying to see the positive in this.

I tend to Jasper as best I can. Finn crouches beside me and waits until I look at him to offer me something. I take it and realize it's an animal. I smile politely and hand it back to him. "It's nice...but I don't think I want it." I tell him quietly and turn back to Jasper. He seems confused but walks away anyway. I'm still not sure if he did all of this because Jasper is his friend or if he wants me to see him differently. I finish doing what I can for Jasper and wrap his wounds before heading back outside.

There's this girl, Charlotte, she's just a kid really. She's barely a teenager and still she was sent with us down here. Like Teddy told me before she'll either be a champion...or something we can't help.

* * *

I wish I could forgive him but _how_ can you forgive your best friend turning in your father? I don't want to face it right now and I don't want to forgive him. It's still selfish but I need someone to be angry with and besides Bellamy the only one I have to blame something real and honest on is Wells. Someday I'll have to go through the pain I know that, but that day doesn't have to be today and I don't have to make this easy. So I won't.

* * *

We're running for our lives...again. Just after collecting the seaweed the sky turns a sick shade of yellow and I see animals running away from this-this fog. Somewhere in the distance there's what I have to assume is a warning being called by a horn. This scared me more than the idea of the Grounders. Teddy turns to me, his clothes are dark again. _"Animals sense danger...we have to run."_

* * *

My legs burn but I don't have the option of stopping, none of us do. "Find that car! It's the only way we're going to make it! We can't outrun this!" I repeat Teddy's words, he's just beside me and I feel better knowing he's here and helping me through this. Time seems to slow down as he looks at me, his hair pulled out of his face by the wind I imagine against it. _"I will never abandon you. Stop pretending that surprises you."_

* * *

We make it to the car with only just enough time to get us all inside and seal up the gaps where the mist gets through. It burns my skin and my lungs but I ignore it.

* * *

" _We've been down here almost a whole week, you still won't really talk to Wells and you seem like you'd rather die than let anything happen to Jasper anymore than it already has."_   I'm angry that he keeps insisting I talk to Wells.

_"Life is short. To short to hold on to this for however long you have left to live. I mean even the fog is trying to kill us. I don't want to die with any regrets."_

* * *

We won't die.

_"I like your optimism. Keep that. But you should say something...I think Finn thinks you're giving him_ a look _."_   He laughs. I realize I'd been staring in Finn's direction while talking to Teddy. I don't like talking to him like this, it helps me if I can actually speak but this is not the time. Finn looks over his shoulder and looks back at me with a curious expression.

* * *

I only just manage to hold back my tears, my hurt. The whiskey turns from anger to pain in my belly. "How-," I choke on my words for a moment. "How could you do that to me? I trusted you. I trusted you and you just... _stabbed_ me in the back." Wells just stares at me with an expression I can't understand and it makes anger ripple back through my blood.

He looks away from me and simply says he made a mistake. I mimic his words and scoff in humorless laughter. Teddy watches me carefully and I glare back at him, I don't want his words right now. I can't stand whatever wisdom he can pull from the back of my mind to make me stop. This is what he wanted wasn't it? Me to talk about how I was feeling, how he wanted me to go through my pain? Well I'm going through it and I refuse to make the trip alone.

I lean forward, the sweat on my cheeks almost feels like tears. "Making a mistake...that's not good enough. You just couldn't wait to tell you father could you? So you could finally be daddy's perfect boy," he cuts me off and I'm startled. Wells has never raised his voice especially not to me.

"What can I tell you Clarke?" His eyes are wet too. "I did the wrong thing and I'm sorry and it won't ever be enough but I am sorry." He stares at me. I tell him I want him to explain it to me, to tell me why he, of all people, could do something so...hateful to me. He seems to shrink in on himself. His shoulders sag and he slumps against the wall of the car. He looks like he has so much more to say and I want him to tell me but he shakes his head.

"I don't have any explanation to give you. I can't and I'm sorry. I always will be." He wrings his hands. "I thought I could trust him."

Teddy leans against my shoulder. "I thought I could trust you." He whispers in my ear and I repeat them automatically. 

* * *

Finn is talking again and I look at him. "I do have to know though...are you really sure he did it? Turned him in I mean. If you trusted him completely until then why would he just suddenly turn on you like that?" He almost sounds like Teddy.

"I only told him." I answer. There's another stray thought, my heart clenches.

_"But he's not the only one who knew."_

* * *

_This_ was true pain. Sitting at the end of Wells' grave. I had just gotten him back and in the same night somebody had taken him from me. This world offers no shortcuts and even less comfort.

* * *

_"Someone could have framed him...wanted him to get caught...if we do this and it goes wrong are we ready for the fallout?"_   I ignore him because if I don't I'll lose my nerve and somewhere I know this is irresponsible but I want someone to hurt for this. _"An Eye for an eye...but haven't we all suffered?"_ Not nearly enough.

Teddy was right and I didn't listen. I was blinded by my anger and ignored the only better angel I have ever had. What ensued was chaos. The girl...Charlotte, she admits to killing Wells after the others string Murphy up to die. I didn't want this I wanted it to be different down here. I wanted us to be different. Bellamy was right I caused this. There were better ways to handle it than head first. A dozen right choices and I chose wrong.

* * *

"I don't want romance Finn. We're fighting everyday almost to stay alive. I don't need a lover or a boyfriend right now," I level him with a look I hope is imploring so he really hears what I'm saying. "I just need a friend."

He looks sad but he smiles and nods. "I can do that."

"How are we going to survive down here if we always make the wrong choices?"

_"You didn't kill Murphy. That was a right choice."_

* * *

I turn to him. I imagine the light from the stars in his eyes and he smiles at me. It always seems sad these days. "Maybe but if I had listened to you and Bellamy...maybe this would be different." I nod to the graves.

_"Clarke_ your _life lessons aren't for someone else to teach you."_   I look back at him. _"I will always be here but I can't always show you the way."_

* * *

A pod comes screaming out of the sky the next day.

Her name is Raven. She's awestruck by the fresh air and the rain.

 The radio is missing. Teddy frowns. _"Confront him. You know it was him. Who else wants us to lose communications as badly as he does?"_

* * *

It goes better than I'd expected. I like Raven. She's fearless in a whole other way and I can only admire it. She stands toe to toe with Bellamy and reveals he shot Jaha before getting on the ship with the one hundred...and didn't kill him. She smirks. "You're a lousy shot." She mocks him. I like this girl.

* * *

In the small amount of time she's been here Raven has become a fast friend and she worries like any real friend does and I like that about her. Sometimes she comes off a little to much too fast but that's...well Raven.

* * *

"What do you want me to say? I don't know what to do Teddy. Is that enough for you?"

_"No and it's not enough for you either or we wouldn't be having this conversation! You have one of them...instead of torturing him why don't you try and meet his people?"_

* * *

"You said it yourself we've been torturing him...why would he help us?"

_"Good lives aren't built on the backs of others suffering Clarke. It all falls when that's the way. Slavery...torture...genocide. It all fell through when they thought it was the way. The pharaohs fell eventually, Rome crumbled to the ground...if we keep on this way all we'll have is war. There is a right answer in all of this. I know you know that or, again, we wouldn't be talking about it."_

* * *

"...We always talk about it. About everything. But they attacked us for no reason."

_"How do you know that? You haven't_ talked _to them."_

* * *

"Teddy,"

"Newsflash _Clarke! I am not real!"_ Suddenly my vision fractures and I simultaneously see an angry blonde teenager with bright blue eyes and dark clothes...and I also see nothing at all. _"You already know what you have to do because we're already talking about it. I am here, I always have been, but I am not real. I'm just telling you what you already know and that is why I know it."_

* * *

Finn looks nervous. "We need something like Unity Day down here. I met with the Grounders and set up a meeting," he cuts me off before I can tell him how insane that is. "That grounder, Lincoln, he stabbed me and we tortured him...if he and I can talk like peacefully there has to be hope Clarke."

"Finn is right. This won't stop if we don't try and make it right. He has hope there are others like Lincoln. He saved Octavia's life and he blew the horn for the acid fog so his people would stop hunting us. You said yourself nobody wants to remember the bad parts of history. If we don't change the bad parts are all we're going to have." Raven looks at me expectantly.

_"We've been around Bellamy to much."_ Teddy speaks from just over Raven's shoulder. " _Violence can't always be the answer_."

 After I process what they're saying I nod. "Leave the world better than we found it." I answer quietly. 

* * *

Up close this woman is...severe. She's beautiful in a different kind of way. We stop at the center of the bridge and she eyes me. There's a flare of anger when she meets my eyes and I can tell she finds me _less_ than impressive. I'm not tall, I don't have any scars, I'm not whatever this woman has been trained to be. Her eyes slide to Raven, there's something in her eyes but it's gone just as fast.

"Your name is Clarke?" Her voice is firm, she has no time for whatever she doesn't want or need to know. I nod, suddenly terrified of this woman. Again, her eyes slip to Raven.

"And this one?"

"Raven." Out of the corner of my eye I see Raven clutch the straps of her pack tighter.

The woman looks back at me. She may as well be a stone wall. She presents herself as immovable and that's exactly how I see her. "I'm Anya."

* * *

 "Why would I honor an alliance with you if none of you can honor an alliance with us?"

 I try a different approach. "If you attack us the people coming down will wipe you out, there's no need for that to happen."

 "They wouldn't be the first. _De Nontu_ knows many of your secrets." She won't bite. She's a mountain in a storm, unmovable. 

* * *

Her smile drops quickly and I turn to look at what she sees. Teddy is just behind me, comforting. Just across the sky there's a ship, I feel happy for a moment and then I remember Raven's face. Her smile fell to fast. I turn to her.

"No parachute...thrusts are off...they're coming in to fast." She shakes her head. "They're gonna crash."

It's a brilliant burst of white before we see smoke billowing into the sky. There's no way anyone survived. I don't notice my knees buckle, or the tears on my face, Raven trying to keep from collapsing in on myself. My mom could have been on that ship and I'd have no way of knowing...I still didn't talk to her after Finn's surgery. I feel the need to pray that she's still on the Ark. I can hear Raven whispering to me as she holds me, my own sobbing finally reaching my ears.

"I've got you." It's the only comfort she has to offer.

* * *

They are far more intelligent than we gave them credit for. They are using Murphy to make us all sick. Biological warfare. We underestimated them and they were counting on that. On our arrogance that we knew more than they did. I practically spat it in Anya's face.

* * *

"What do you want from us?" 

She steps to the side and one of her men pull back a blanket revealing a little girl. She can't be any older than eight. She's gasping for breath and I wonder what it is they've done to her. Anger pulls at my insides and I glare at Anya. She meets my gaze with no emotion. She nods to the child and tells me to help her. "This one dies if you don't." She motions to Raven with her dagger.

"It's like that though?"

* * *

He doesn't see the scalpel. I don't think Raven did either, I can hear her gasp as I cut his throat. I cover his mouth so he doesn't scream. We have to get out of here and warn the others. I can't feel weakness. I can't waver. I can't turn back.

_"The only way through is forward."_

* * *

I won't let anyone else bear this burden with me. His death is mine. He's my mark to take and my guilt to bear. Maybe someday it'll be better but today I stare into the eyes of a stranger and take his life. I owe it to him to meet his eyes. He's angry but I see understanding.

* * *

"You told me we deserve better."

"We do. You do." I sense something else coming and I turn to him expectantly. He has that look that tells me this is another lesson.

"This world is sink or swim, and if you can swim then sometimes people have to drown." 

"Who do I become if I believe that?"

He watches me for a long tense moment that feels like forever. "You become the person that kills an unarmed man to save your friends."

* * *

"Don't look so upset Anya, The Father agreed with the Commander's choice and he knows more about these people and the Mountain Men than we do. Perhaps if you had done this right the first time you wouldn't have to bear their disappointment."

* * *

 We stay and die or take a chance and live, if only for another day.

* * *

Murphy has used most of our supplies in his sudden attack and escape. Bellamy's idea seems to be to die and take as many of them as we can with us. There has to be another way. I look around the drop ship and spot Teddy watching me from beside the entrance, he's crouched low. When I meet his eyes he glances to the floor.

Proverbial light bulb.

"What about that rocket fuel?" I turn to Raven who is looking both stressed and at ease with the situation. Her eyebrows furrow in confusion. "I told you Princess it's useless without the powder." She shrugs. 

I shake my head. "I don't want to build a bomb." I lean over the table.

She takes a second but understanding passes soon. "You wanna blast off."

* * *

There's an explosion and a light in the sky. 

" _It's the Ark_." Teddy mutters beside me. His voice is sad. The stations are collapsing, it seemed like it was aflame before it entered the atmosphere. I silently hope that there's no people on the exploding stations, even though in a darker part of my heart I know there must be. " _May we meet again_." It becomes a spray of sparks and fire. It's almost beautiful if it wasn't for the real tragedy of it.

* * *

The entire camp is covered in smoldering remains and nothing is left behind of what we'd built for ourselves down here. 

Sacrifice.

I have to draw the line from now on. I have to be able to make the call of right or wrong. This seemed like the only option but we had a chance before to make peace and I let other people destroy it without giving it another real shot. I said I had hope but I think I gave it up when I decided mass murder was the only way. Maybe I meant it at the time but I don't think I mean it today.

I tell Teddy I feel disgusting about what I've done to the Grounders. I tell him I'm sorry. He gives me a strange look then. "I can't bless you Clarke, I can't absolve you of whatever sins you think you have. What you've done is just something you'll have to make peace with and someday you will. Not today or the next but someday."

* * *

"Raven!" I hit the glass. She looks panicked and relieved to see me. I try to open the door but I knew before I did it wouldn't budge.

" _Clarke_." Teddy touches my shoulder and points to the window. Just beside Raven's cell is a sign.

Mount Weather

* * *

 The person in the suit is a girl...she's about the same age as me. She looks terrified of me. I think for a moment I would be too. 

She cries while I lead her through the hallways. She seems to scared to be what the Grounders fear, to innocent to be my enemy. The line blurs a little but she has answers I need.

I slam her against the door when I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection. There's blood everywhere and my eyes are dark with anger. I have to save my friends, I can't just think about what this is doing to me. I shouldn't treat her like this, is isn't her fault.

" _I don't want to hurt you_." Teddy whispers. " _I'm_ not _going to hurt you, I promise."_

* * *

Dante tells me he paints a memory of the only time he was outside over fifty years ago. How they all thought they were the only ones. How his father thought that because there were people outside they could leave the mountain. How many people died in the week that followed. He tells me he lost his family and that time does in fact heal most of them but painting helps him when it doesn't.

I tell him he didn't bring me here to talk about any of this. He agrees. He tells me his search parties haven't found anything but they'll keep looking. He makes it plain to me that I can't leave, claims it to be grief but I know he knows better than that. I ask him what will happen if I try to leave, he sounds impatient.

"You know you're a lot like another one we took in years ago. He saw enemies everywhere too. The outside just isn't safe." His voice changes.

* * *

The woman again...the one in the lab coat with dark skin and even darker eyes. She sounds sarcastic. Teddy glares at her. Something about her makes me want to cause as much pain as I can. I can't tell if it's her attitude or just a feeling I get from looking at her that tells me she's never done anything really _good_ here. Dante calls her Sing, but I'm sure it's not spelled the way it appears in my head.

I ask her about the man with the burns, I ask quietly and politely. She looks at me almost like Anya did the first time we met. Like she expected more and she's disappointed. I ignore her expression. I tell her I want to see him and Dante tells me it can be arranged. I press my lips together in a tight forced smile. He keeps looking at me like he sees someone else.

* * *

I take off the bandage on my arm, the wound still looks angry and swollen. It'll leave a scar. Raven realizes to late what I'm doing, she's mid-swear and reaching for me as I pull the cut along a sharp piece of metal on my bunk. I flinch in pain and the most that passes my lips is a whimper. Teddy is clutching his hair tight between his hands.

" _Are you out of your_ goddamn _mind_!" He grips my shoulders. " _Even if it works this shouldn't be the answer Clarke_!" Maybe I am losing it down here.

Teddy's hands feel smaller suddenly. I look up again and it's Raven holding me up and asking me what the hell I think I'm doing. "That's a lot of blood! What the fuck? A warning would've been nice."

* * *

Raven puffs out a breath of surprise and releases my hand, diving for one of the lower cages. "Anya."

Her hair is matted with dirt and so is her skin. She looks like she's given up but that same strange look passes her eyes when she looks at Raven. " _Skaipeka_." She mumbles.

* * *

Sing walks slowly, she must notice the prisoners (subjects, victims?) are more active. They reach for her hair, her coat, anything they can reach. She stands toe to toe with Teddy and I wish she knew it. He turns to me after the Grounders spook her away, he has an odd look. " _She did all this and she doesn't care. She's evil, you know that now, you may have before."_

* * *

Raven waits for Anya who's crouched over one of the bodies. He groans, still alive...barely breathing. Raven asks her what she's doing and tells her we need to hurry before they come back. " _Yu gonplei ste odon_." Their language again. I want to ask her what that means. Anya cradles his head gently, like this is the last thing she may ever do.

I see her grip tighten and flinch when she snaps his neck.

* * *

"You called me that Sky name...although now I think on it Sky-pecker may not be the compliment I think it is."

" _Skaipeka_ ," Anya corrects. "It means small bird."

 Raven arches her shoulders up. "I get it, cause I'm short and my name is Raven." 

* * *

We jump together. It feels like forever and my stomach is in my throat. I keep my eyes shut tight and never let go of Raven's hand.

It feels like serenity when we hit the water and I realize I'm still alive. 

* * *

When I come to Raven is sitting up, wrists bound and watching me with worried eyes. I feel the tears on my face before she says anything and wipe them away. Anya doesn't wait for us to talk and leads the way to what I only assume is her Commander.

Teddy has been much less helpful than usual. I can't blame him for that though. He's just a reflection. My thoughts get loud so does he, I could try and shut him out (I did a few times along the way) but he always comes back. This is one of those times I wish I didn't have him with me. His constant talking is making me tired.

Anya just stands for a moment before squaring her shoulders. "You have not met the Father yet, but you are right...we need more. The Commander was my second. I'll get an audience." I step closer. She glances at me and nods. I hold out my hand, the last time I did this she looked at me like I was less than nothing. Unimportant. This time she looks at me with what seems like respect and a little amusement.

* * *

My mom is here. She recognized me through the mud and blood on my face, I wasn't even sure it was her at first. I thought it was something like Teddy when I saw her. But her hands on my face told me she was real. Everything that came after was a little harder. As happy as I am to see my mom I still know my friends in Mount Weather are in danger. I don't have time to rest.

I see them through the trees. I blink back tears. Finn meets our eyes and lowers his gun, he looks lost. Raven follows me as we walk...he gunned these people down. I bite back more tears. These are kids and the elderly. There's maybe two or three healthy adults laying dead, blood on their lips. Octavia rushes ahead and leans beside a man holding a boy in his arms.

Finn did this. Not Murphy not some stranger...Finn. He watches us, unmoving. My chest hurts. Teddy is leaning over a few of the villagers. He looks at me. " _I didn't think he could do something like this. Bellamy was right_." This wasn't intense, this was...insane. Raven and I stop a couple feet away from him. He opens his mouth to speak but still looks lost. He catches Raven's eyes and steps closer to her, she steps back.

She's afraid.

* * *

 "Why didn't you talk him out of it?" That was what I needed to really know. 

"I tried. Those arguments were after several other attempts. I never meant for it to get like that, neither did he. I knew him sending out that video would just get him killed so I thought maybe if I couldn't talk him out of it his friend could but...I guess I trusted _him_ to much." She looks down, turning her wedding band on her finger again and again. "You weren't...it wasn't..."

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

"He wanted to do the right thing mom, that's why I'm trying to make peace with the Grounders and looking for other ways into the mountain. Leaving them in there is wrong and you know that. It's why you're here too." She watches me in a long silence. I get that same feeling from before, that she's looking at somebody else. She nods.

* * *

Chains rattle and suddenly Lincoln is snarling, lunging from the shadows. Raven almost falls down through the hatch. "Holy shit!" She throws her hands up in panic. I'm lucky to keep my balance. This is far worse than anything Bellamy could have prepared me for. Bellamy climbs up after us, telling us it's okay and he's been restrained. I flinch as Lincoln lunges again, teeth gnashing.

His eyes are bloodshot, his neck and mouth are covered in dry blood and I almost hope it's his. He screams as he pulls hard on his restraints. He's pulling hard enough he could dislocate a shoulder. He's rabid. He's a reaper.

* * *

Jaha had mentioned the Commander was a woman, a girl as he called her.

I was prepared for...not this. She had to be a few years older than me, the black paint across her eyes made her much more terrifying. She sat on a throne, legs crossed at the knee. She played with a knife while she waited for me to approach, eyes down. When someone says Commander they don't picture a girl with long dark hair, pale skin, no scars (not like the woman beside her). She was not who I imagined she'd be at all. I'm not sure if I should be happy about that or more terrified.

So this is the Commander. Despite my expectations, she overshot all of them.


	2. Inescapable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Clarke," I know what he'll say before he says it but he needs this. "I have to do this. I have to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any redundancy.

I swallow my nerves, my palms sweat, damn it. I can't do anything or she'll know, she's testing me, or maybe us. Or maybe it's none of those things and she really just wants us to leave. We have nowhere else to go so I need to make this work. Using Lincoln's illness to make a deal makes me feel sick but it helps both of us, all of us. Teddy is standing to my right, he's walking around the tent and I force myself not to look at him.

I have to make this work.

The Commander looks mildly impressed. She tips the knife gently with her fingers. Her eyes never leave mine. It's not the time or place but I find myself wondering what she looks like without that paint. That war mask. "Do you have an answer for me? Clarke of the Sky People." Teddy chokes so I don't have to. Does she always sound like this? I feel shame, I feel like Raven (place and time), suddenly all I want is to hear her say my name again. I feel shame.

"I came here with an offer."

Her face barely changes but I can see her eyes take on a gleam of indignation. How dare I. How dare we. "This is not a negotiation." Her voice becomes iron.

Teddy whispers in my ear. "Everything is a negotiation." It's true. Now. "We don't have anywhere else to go and we have something you can use, _really_ use." I force my voice not to crack. I'm the leader my people need today. Failure isn't an option. The woman beside her says something. I don't need to understand to see the threat in her eyes.

I notice the boy beside her for the first time. He's not very tall. His skin is extremely pale, his eyes are pale too and his hair is a lighter blonde than even mine. Albinism. He's tucked into a long dark cloak. I'm not sure how I missed him in the first place. It was rare on the ark and I force myself to look away.

The Commander has raised a hand to silence the warrior, her mouth shuts immediately. The amount of respect these people have for this girl is almost staggering. I had to argue just to come down here and meet them. No one questions her, they aren't allowed. I offer them a bonus, Lincoln's cure was to keep us safe. This could get us an alliance. "We can help you defeat the Mountain. We both have people trapped inside. We can help each other."

How do her hands work like that? Is there ever a moment where she's not graceful? I only met her three minutes ago and it doesn't seem possible for anyone to e this elegant. I think of Dante and how he called them savages. This woman is not a savage, she never has been. "Nontu has helped us in matter of the Mountain. You say you can defeat them?"

"We can't alone, and I don't think you can either. There are hundreds of your people inside. I've seen them, so has Anya. They keep them in cages." I wish I had taken more with me but it wasn't feasible. "They use their blood as medicine." I stop and watch her for a moment. She looks angry, furious. The woman beside her says something and then the boy. The commander nods at both of them.

"What you say is true. Nontu has described the same things. You were a prisoner?"

I nod. Teddy wraps an arm around my shoulders. "My friend Raven and I were only able to take Anya with us. If we had taken more they would have seen us and we never would have made it out alive."

She seems interested in this. "How did you escape?"

I open my mouth to speak before closing it again, looking for the right words. I try again. "We uh...we jumped out of dam into the water." I almost smile at the look of passing amusement. "Anya found it and there was no other way. She went first and we followed."

Anya is called in, she's asked for what I assume is the same 'story'. The woman nods. "Sha Heda."

"Feller." The boy steps forward. "Send for Nontu." He bows at the waist and doesn't offer anyone a second glance. He almost glides out of the tent. Silent.

I wonder if Feller is what they call a second to the Father.

"Is that your only offer Clarke? What you have will only result in a temporary truce. War alliances hardly last forever."

She seems more impressed now. Like I've changed her mind about us, but not enough to save us. Not enough to let us stay. Teddy watches me closely. Failure isn't an option. "I can give you a cure for the Reapers." It's a bold claim, it may not even work for all of them but it's true enough that the strong will survive the detox. If we can save Lincoln I can save us. "That's what the Mountain Men are doing to some of them, making them Reapers, they did it to Lincoln."

The woman beside her calls me a liar. Calls Lincoln a traitor and blames us for the slaughter.

"Shof op Indra." Anya snaps. "Clarke is a healer. She saved my second." I've never been so grateful for having helped anyone. She doesn't mention that we were the reason Tris was injured in the first place and I'm grateful for that too. "If she says she can cure them I believe that." The Commander stares at her former mentor for a hard tense moment before nodding.

She stands, the man that threatened me before looms over her protectively. She's close to me now, maybe a foot apart. She smells like flowers I've never seen before. " _She's even prettier up close."_ I will him to shut up, he laughs instead and takes her seat. He sits with his back low, legs relaxed. I see him in a red cloak for a split second.

"Show me." I hear the threat behind her words. If I'm lying, if this doesn't work...she'll kill me.

 

* * *

I panic for a moment on the trek there. Lincoln is in the drop ship, said drop ship is surrounded by three hundred charred corpses of the commander's people. I cringe when I remember fighting with Anya and tossing the ashes in her face. I try to force it out of my mind. I wish for the millionth time that things had been different. That I could have been different.

Teddy walks beside me, ahead of the Commander and her...entourage. I want to know her name.

I don't have time to think about any of that, because if we can't save Lincoln then we're either dead or will be soon, even if we do form a truce to defeat the Mountain. I wouldn't be part of that. If I fail here I'm dead. Well and truly. Teddy holds my hand. _"You can do this Clarke. Even Anya vouched for you and you remember how she looked at you when you first met."_ Like an insect.

" _You saved that girl, against the odds, without hope...you saved her. You can save Lincoln too."_ Or mom can. Failure isn't an option.

I glance back at the Commander and she meets my gaze for a second before I look away again. I'm not looking for romance. " _You're not until you are_." I tell him to shut up. He laughs instead and lets go of my hand to dance through the trees. Hope. If he has hope, if he's happy then somewhere inside I do too.  I glance back at her again, she doesn't meet my eyes.

Tell me your name.

We arrive at the ship and I'm bombarded with fear, shame, and more shame as I look at her across the field of the dead. I see the rage in her eyes. Her anger doesn't win out against my shame. I'll carry this with me until I die. Be that in a few moments or many years from now...that remains to be seen. Failure isn't an option. Teddy nudges me and I turn away again to enter the ship.

The silence makes me more afraid. " _It'll be okay."_ I wish I believed it still. I must somehow.

I had hope until I see them standing over him. Mom looks at me with regret, fear, her own kind of shame. This can't be happening. We needed this. I still have a glimmer of hope for the others at camp, they can still have a truce, however temporary. Teddy swears as he looks down over Lincoln's body. At a loss, I'm at a loss. I turn to see the Commander watching me. Anya watching me. Indra seems all to eager to be done with this, us.

She nods to Indra and suddenly everyone is armed, swords and a gun, mom's...mom's...Teddy turns to me. " _Use it_."

Light bulb...

"We can still work this out." I promise.

She's furious again. Eyes dark. "You lied." It was just a mistake. I can still fix this.

"Mom." She glances over her shoulder. "Hit him." She looks confused before she understands. The looks on their faces would have been amusing if this wasn't what it was. Lincoln convulses from the shock of the baton. "Again." They look horrified but in awe when Lincoln chokes out a breath. Octavia is  with him faster than I can blink. She holds his face between his hands, he calls her name like he's never believed in anything else and she cries tears of complete relief.

Failure was not an option. I almost laugh in my own relief.

" _That was amazing. I told you, you could save him."_ Mom saved him. " _With your idea. Cheap and nasty defibrillation_." Teddy holds his hand up for a high-five, I ignore him. She's watching me again. I'm not the unimpressive Sky Girl anymore. I gave her a long-term solution to cure all of the Reapers and how to save people with a controlled shock. I'm useful. I'm valid.

Tell me your name.

* * *

 

Later...in her tent, after Lincoln is moved carefully back to their camp, I stand with her. Alone. Teddy chuckles from his place on her throne. He seems to like it there.

She tells me that she is impressed with Lincoln's recovery, the solution to keeping them alive long enough to get the drug out of their system. She almost smiles. Her voice is soft now. She's calm and talking to me like a person instead of a leader. I see a lost girl for a second and then a woman who is quiet and takes the time to think every move she makes through. 

She watches me for a long moment after I tell her we can continue to treat others. Save them. "Nontu will be pleased with this news. He's tried many times to understand how the Reapers were made." She pauses. "You may have your truce."

"I need more than that. I need peace for my people, I need us to be able to stay." I don't want to plead, I don't want her to look at me as if I'm less again, but we need this.

She shakes her head, raises her chin. "That comes after Clarke. Every clan must prove their worth." I can't tell if she means after we defeat the Mountain or just...after. "Fist, I need one thing in return for this." I tell her I can give her anything, I'm not sure how I mean it. "Give us the one you call Finn. This truce begins with his death." Teddy curses.

_'Their justice is theirs to give_.' He was right but it doesn't stop my heart from clenching painfully. I can't just give him up and I can't just let him go. Actions have consequences. I want to save him, he's my friend and underneath...everything he's done, he's still a good person.

" _Is he?"_ Teddy scoffs. I ignore him and nod to the Commander before dismissing myself. I hear her order two riders to escort me back to camp.

He is.

_"He was. Clarke he made a mistake and it cost a lot of lives_."

I burned three hundred people, how am I less guilty.

_"It was war Clarke. You didn't just walk into village after village and kill them all. Finn made the choice to walk into that village and kill those people. However you feel about this...it was their people he killed. It's their justice to give. It'd be the same the other way around."_ He's right about that too.

I need to process this. We really need this truce, this alliance, but I can't just hand over a friend. Bellamy opens the gate, Raven is on me in seconds, she bombards me with questions and I deflect. Finn is running over, I tell them to shut the gate and tell Raven to get Finn inside. I'm not sure if there's another way to get him out of this, to get us out of this. I don't know what to do.

Before they can make it close to inside there's a circle of people blocking us in, Mom pushes her way through and hugs me in relief. She asks me what the Commander said. If there's any hope. I can't lie about this. So I tell them. The shouting over his fate reminds me of Charlotte again. I panic. There was no saving her...not even for a moment. She killed my best friend and I went for blood and...

Maybe there's no saving Finn either. No matter how much I want to.

"Clarke that's not an offer." Raven insists. I tell her that I know.

Finn is calm. "It's punishment Raven." When Bellamy claims that their way is insane Finn defends them. "It's their right. If I give myself over...and whatever happens, happens. If I do that then there's a chance to save everyone else." This was the boy I remembered. A good person. "We would want the same thing if it was the other way around." He reminds me of Teddy for a moment.

When the crowd closes in Raven pushes one of them away and Finn grabs her by the arms. "Stop it," he quiets her protest. "If this is the only way I need to do it. Maybe it won't absolve me but...I think we both need this to happen." He doesn't mean the Grounders when he says it. She insists they take him away or punish him themselves. "It'll be considered favoritism."

In the end there's fight and mom locks him away for the night with the demand that I ask the Commander if we can punish him ourselves. I already know the answer but I stop at the gate anyway. This only ends one way. I blink away the flash of the girl tossing herself to her death. I'm not entirely surprised to see Anya there waiting. "Is there anyway we can handle his punishment?"

She gives me a hard look, disappointed almost. " _Jus drein jus daun_." She pauses. "Blood must have blood. It is our law, our way." I ask her if there's a chance. "...The Commander sees things in ways no other has before, but she must also appease her people."

It wasn't what I wanted to hear.

* * *

I keep thinking about her. I can't stop. How pained she was in the end. Charlotte never wanted things to happen the way they happened...in the end she solved it the only way she knew how. The only way it ever could have gone and I hope it ended quickly for her, that she didn't suffer. I see Finn instead now, standing at the edge of the cliff, covered in blood and ashamed.

Finn is ready to turn himself in. We're the reason he doesn't. But who are we to deny him a chance at peace with himself? Teddy keeps tell me we need to let him decide for himself. I'm to stubborn.

Lincoln offers the same advice as Anya. He isn't wrong that in return for eighteen lives just one is a good deal, not good...better? Maybe not even that. More than reasonable. I try and tell him that Finn is his friend, he returns with the fact that Finn massacred his village. He tells me that Finn isn't himself, not even half of who he used to be anymore. Never would be again. He speaks from experience now.

"He will suffer the pain of eighteen deaths...and then there will be peace."

I mull over his words and make a plan for myself...for Raven. If we can't save him from being turned in to the Grounders, we can save him from the death Lincoln describes. I tell Raven...she cries, but she agrees, only if all else fails.

We find Finn, sitting by himself inside. He offers to turn himself in again. "Stop it. That's not an option, it can't be." Raven is trying to hold it together. Finn stands and shrugs, helpless. He looks absolutely lost. "Raven...it's just me, or it's all of us. I'm not willing to do that to them. To you." He looks down. "I made a mistake, maybe it was an accident, maybe it was paranoia...maybe all of the above, I don't know. But I did what I did and there should be consequences, you were right."

"Not pulling you apart Finn! Because that is what they'll do!"

He shrugs again. "Then that's what they'll do. I am terrified but...I," he chokes on his words. "You are my best friend and my family, you always will be, but I _need_ to make this right and not just for them, for me." Raven pulls him into a tight hug and I decide to leave them alone. I sit outside with Teddy. He's been quieter and quieter lately. Maybe it's because I have less time to process everything.

" _Maybe there's nothing else to say_." Maybe. I wonder if I'd be like Raven if Teddy were real, if I had a brother. Complete and whole and cared about me to the end of the universe. I think I would have told the Commander to take her truce and go to hell. I think I would have, but I don't think Teddy would have let me. " _Would you turn yourself in if it was you?_ "

"Yes." I don't want him to ask but he will anyway,

" _Why_?" 

I sigh. "Because it's the right thing to do."

" _Why are you denying Finn that right_?"

"...I don't want my friend to die." He doesn't get the chance to answer me, Raven steps out before he can. 

She shuffles uncomfortably before sitting down where Teddy had been, he sits across from us instead. "I told him to get some sleep." I nod. She slumps against my shoulder, right now to her I am the only thing keeping her upright. "How can he think like that?" She wants an honest answer. "Just...give up?"

"He's not giving up Raven. He wants to try and make it right. As right as he can." She understands, she just doesn't want to. "You weren't here yet but there was this girl, young. She wasn't even close to eighteen. She um, she killed Wells." Raven sits up and turns to me, her eyes ask the question, I nod. "She was angry at his father, she couldn't kill him so she killed Wells instead." I swallow my tears.

"I had just made things right with him and...not even a day later he's gone. I blamed Murphy at first and...long story short despite my anger and _need_ for her to pay for what she did I didn't want it to end like that. Because in the end she threw herself off a cliff, to save herself...to save us. She made a choice and it was wrong and there was no saving her in the end. It wouldn't have mattered if we blamed her or not she would have thrown herself over another cliff one day or destroyed herself in another way."

I turn to her, her eyes are misted over. "I didn't want her to die. I just wanted a consequence. _Something_. Finn wanting to turn himself in, nothing is going to change that or what he did. It is either this or he'll find some way to make himself pay because he thinks it's what he deserves and he's right. I don't want him to die either but he made a choice Raven. There is no saving him from himself, just like there was no saving Charlotte from herself."

There's a long silence and I worry I've said to much and just lost a really good friend, a best friend. "I know that. I know and I get it. I do but...how are we going to make it right with him?"

Teddy whispers in my ear. "Try and find a way to forgive him."

* * *

Kane arrives in morning. Anya and the riders are still waiting. The talk mom has with him takes hours. 

It's late when Finn comes to see me. Raven is asleep inside. I just want time to think. To be. Teddy sits silently at my side. He's silent because he knows how this goes. Finn apologizes, tells me he never wanted things to happen that way. He confesses about how much it hurts, the people he's killed.

I tell him something honest, something Teddy tells me. "Finn, _I_ can't absolve you. I _can_ forgive you. It's hard and it hurts and maybe it'll never be the same. I forgive you for what I can forgive and I wish that was enough to save you."

His smile is sad. "So do I." He doesn't need to say, 'but I don't deserve it' for me to hear it. We both already know. I ask him if he made things right with Raven, he tells me she forgives him. I imagine it's the same way I do. I can't forgive him for the family's that lost their children and parents, sisters and brothers. But I can forgive that he lost his way, that he made a mistake, as awful as it may be.

"Clarke," I know what he'll say before he says it but he needs this. "I have to do this. I have to." The way he looks at me hurts. I miss the days of him telling Raven and I jokes on a good day. The him that only wanted peace. Calm. Collected. He'll never be like that again but here and now...he's as close as he'll ever be. He goes to walk away but turns back. "I'm glad I got to be your friend, Princess."

I smile. I imagine it's sad, because it feels sad. "Me too."

* * *

He turns himself in. Just like before there was no changing it, this. Things like this only ever go one way. I go down to their camp, Raven comes with me. One last chance to say goodbye. She slips a knife into her sleeve. "Is that for the Commander?" I ask quietly on our way. She shakes her head. I take a deep breath and hold her hand tight, she squeezes back.

Indra stops us, her spear digs into my stomach and I feel the skin open, it hurts. It all hurts. Anya stands stoic by her side.

"Let them pass." It's her, and I'm ashamed that my heart stutters for a moment. Raven stops to look at Anya, the warrior doesn't meet her gaze.

The Commander is a leader again. Unmovable. "You cannot stop this. You know that." Her voice is quiet. I wonder for a moment if she had anyone she cared for in that village. If this isn't just justice for her people but for her as well. I hate that it still seems fair. One life instead of many. I hate this.

"I know. Raven just wants a chance to say goodbye." The Commander turns to her now. "It's a last request, please. For whatever he's done he's still her family." I don't say he deserves to say goodbye, the family of those eighteen people will never get the chance. There's a long pause before the Commander nods. Raven looks to me, tugging my hand. I shake my head.

"You need this for you." She takes a deep breath and let's go of my hand.

Raven hugs him tight, even tied to the post as he is. They speak softly. Just watching I feel like an intruder. "Not many people would do this." Her voice is so quiet I almost don't hear it. I turn to her. "Do what?" She doesn't look back at me. "I am not a fool Clarke." My heart tightens in panic, I'm ready to call Raven back. "Calm yourself, if I were you I may even do the same."

She knows what's about to happen and she's not going to stop it? I don't understand. "Family always wants to save family from pain." she knows something about this pain. She's silent after that and tips her chin, I look back at Raven. She's sobbing, hands covered in blood. Finn is slumped against the post and when she steps back I see the blood stain on his shirt. The Grounders surge forward, cries of outrage on their lips.

The Commander simply holds out her arm and declares that it is done. it is. It's over with. I imagine Finn again, at the cliff. He apologizes but his shoulders are lighter and I watch him as he lets himself fall. It hurts. I run to Raven, she falls just as I get to her and I wrap her tight in my arms. She mumbles that she's sorry, again and again. She's so sorry, she always will be.

"I've got you." I mumble into her hair. She sobs harder. "I've got you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the end it just made more sense in a kind of small redemption arc for Finn to turn himself in kinda right off the bat. Sorry if that isn't what you wanted, I like Finn but I already have a hard time keeping Bellamy and Octavia in here and that's hardly ever.
> 
> They'll get added time later. You get to meet Nontu soon.


	3. So This Is Awkward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Clarke," she sees me as the leader of my people, I'm not sure they do but I'm also not sure it matters. "Let us drink together." It sounds like a suggestion but I know it'll be disrespectful if I refuse it. "Absolutely." Clearly I don't want to. "It'll be my pleasure." Teddy snickers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own The 100. I do own Feller, Teddy, and Nontu though.

Clarke.

……Clarke.

"...Clarke."

The first time I see him I remember crying, I had been crying before that. I don't remember why, I don't know what happened but I kept crying until my head hurt, I remember that pain.

Looking up I see him there for the first time, he's older-just a few years- with messy blonde hair and blue eyes colored in worry. Worry for me. "Why are you crying?" He tugs on his over-sized shirt, it's worn-like everyone's clothes on the Ark. I cry harder, I don't know why I'm crying, I don't remember. There was something and then nothing and whatever it was-whatever I lost-broke something.

And I remember that. That feeling. Something breaking.

He took my hand, it wasn't really there but it made me feel better. "I'll be okay Clarke." He smiles, he pulls me to my feet and I follow him, wherever we went.

That was the first time I ever saw him. I never told anybody, that I remember. I just remember wanting Teddy to just be _my_ friend. I didn't want to share.

* * *

"Why don't they talk to you?"

He looks at me funny. " _They don't really...get me."_ I don't understand. " _I'm just_ your _friend Clarke. It's you and me_." I see him and then I don't, here's there in half my mind and then gone in the other. I ask him if he's real. " _I'm real to you. That's what means something."_

For some reason that makes me sad and when I cry I see him hug me, in my head I feel it there. It makes me cry harder. I cry until dad finds me and fusses over what's wrong. I tell him about my friend, only a little. "He's not here." He gives me an odd look before hugging me tight.

* * *

I name him Teddy after that. I'd seen him for weeks and I wanted him to have a name.

"I like Teddy." He grins when I tell him, I never ask him what his real name is. He doesn't care to tell me.

* * *

Sitting here with Raven feels like meeting Teddy for the first time. Something's broken on the inside. Feeling like there's something so lost that a part of you creates something to fill a void. I created Teddy from something I can't remember. Raven doesn't need that, I'm here. She knows it but can't feel it...Teddy is here too. She buries her face into my shoulder, her fingers dig into my arms.

I feel the pinch of her fingernails but that's okay.

Teddy curls around us both. " _How lucky I am, to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."_ He whispers against my temple. She can't hear that right now, maybe ever. But he's right and that makes it so much worse. My father will always be with me, Finn will always be with Raven.

I squeeze my eyes shut as they untie Finn and lower him to the ground. He's not even him anymore. Finn is gone. Teddy holds me tighter in my grief. And however I feel it's not even close to how Raven must feel. When she moves to look at him I pull her back to me, she doesn't need to see anymore right now. Not right now. I bring her with me when the Commander calls on us. She struggles for a moment, getting the feeling into her legs again.

"I'm so sorry." She whispers. It's for all of us. "I just didn't...I didn't," I shush her, I tell her she doesn't need to explain and we make our way into the tent, one step at a time.

I let her go once inside. Teddy whispers in my ear. "Can we please have some water?" Her hands are stained red, I watch her stare at them. They aren't her hands right now, they belong to someone else. Anya hands me a pitcher, she looks at Raven like she wants to say something but decides against it, she takes a place beside the Commander-her right.

Raven's eyes cloud with tears again as I help her wash her hands. The Commander never demands our attention, she waits. Patient.

_"Tell me your name."_

After, even though there is still a red stain under her fingernails, she clenches her hands tight before she takes mine. She turns her eyes ahead, never mind her tears now. "It is done. Blood has had blood, already I know some of my people will be dissatisfied. They wanted the pain of thirteen deaths." Her eyes turn to Raven. There's a flash of regret but there's an understand I can't grasp.  

"They do not know your suffering, you've had your own death tonight. It will always be with you." Where does she come from? Raven doesn't say anything. She squeezes my hand tighter. I ask the Commander if we have an official alliance. "After. We must take him back to the village, to TonDC. He and his victims will be joined by fire, then there will be peace and then you will have your alliance."

She can't be much older than me. How did she get like this? She seems like she has the wisdom of someone so much older. Teachers? Her own personality? Teddy stands behind her, he touches an ornamental blade. " _Tell me your name."_

"When do we leave?"

She stands. "Now. Choose your companions. Feller has sent word that Nontu will meet us there." She doesn't walk, she struts, she glides. I'm ashamed that I take the time to notice now.

* * *

Mom and Kane are coming, Bellamy, Octavia. Lincoln will join us later. Mom takes a second to hold Raven, she whispers something to her, I imagine words of some hallow comfort. She grips my arms after and asks if I'll be okay. "I will be." Eventually. "We're going to the village to perform funeral rights. They're building a pyre for Finn and the victims."

"No, no we've done enough he needs to be buried with his people." Her hold tightens on my arms. Kane doesn't seem sure if he agrees, he just looks a little lost and like he wants this long day to be over. It's already the next day. I want it to be done too but it isn't yet. Just not yet. "I need to do this. _We_ need to. It's not just about us, this is for our people and theirs trapped inside that mountain."

She doesn't want to hear it but she nods. She tells me to stay close. I turn to see Anya talking to Raven. I hope she isn't telling her that Finn deserved it...Raven nods, maybe Anya is telling her she's brave, not everyone could help put family out of pain like she had done. Raven is brave. More than anyone I think I've met so far, besides maybe Anya herself.

The village is about a day away. We should arrive before nightfall. The sun is barely touching the sky yet. I walk. Mom walks. Raven walks close to me, close enough for support, far enough for room to process.

Octavia falls into step with me. "I don't think I could've done what he did." She mumbles. "Give myself up. Even if it was the right thing to do." She clutches the leather strap to the sword harnessed across her back. I study her for a moment. She really was meant for the life these people lead.

"I think you would."

She looks unsure, eyes still ahead. "Yeah?" I'm not used to hearing the tone from her. Everything with Lincoln must be bringing something up. I don't ask, it isn't my business. I nod. "Yeah. You cared about those people, I think you would have done the right thing." There's a long silence before she offers a half smile.

"Thanks Clarke."

"For what?" It can't be the compliment, did she mean,

"Lincoln. You and your mom." She looks at me. Lost. Sad. Grateful. "You saved him and I don't know what I would've done if he'd died." That part scares her.

"Like you said, just doing the right thing."

Her hand brushes my arm. "Thank you anyway."

This may be one of our longest conversations.

* * *

_"Do you just see these in your head, or are they from those old books?"_

I look up from my sketches. Teddy is sitting across from me at the table. He tips his chair back on two legs. I wonder for a moment if he'll fall before I remember what he is. No,who,he is. "Sometimes I make it up." I turn back to finish up the touches on the city I'd ben working on. It's rough and may never be finished but I like it.

_"What about other times?"_

"Just things I see in dreams." He taps at one of them, we've been inside my family's quarters all day. No classes. " _This one's me_!" He grins. It is, curling hair and wide grin. 

 I still don't remember why I saw him the first time.

* * *

I don't remember falling asleep during the short break the Commander calls for, but I wake up to see Teddy's back facing me. He's looking out at the other people getting ready to start moving again. Raven is tucked into my side staring into the void.

"Does it make me terrible for wanting to be the one to do it?"

"No." In a way I understand completely.

Someone shouts in their language. I glance at Teddy, he smiles at me. " _How was your nap?"_ I almost shrug. It wasn't restful. " _It'll get easier. You'll never forget but it'll turn into white noise_." It hurts that I hope for that. Some semblance of peace of mind. Somewhere, someday. I help Raven stand, realizing the shout is that we're setting out again. " _Don't coddle her."_

She would've been furious with me by now if I had.

Trips like this give me to much time to think and I regretfully wish I could be alone for just a moment to talk to Teddy. " _He did the right thing Clarke, and Raven did the only thing to do. If this doesn't tie up into a proper alliance then they were never going to give you one_." I glance over my shoulder at the Commander. I see Teddy walking beside her now, looking up at her on her horse. " _Tell me your name_." He whispers.

She doesn't seem the type to go back on her word, you saw how angry she was when she thought I lied about curing Reapers.

He's beside me again. " _True enough. She has honor. In the end it'll be worth it. You'll have your alliance, your people will be safe_." Our people. " _Yeah, yeah_." He glances behind us. " _In the meantime you can ask the...what did Raven say? Hottie with a body?_ " I feel my face heat up. " _You can ask her for her name_." I will him to shut up but he laughs instead.

* * *

Raven clutches my hand again, the victims are underneath Finn's body. The Grounders wait in anticipation. Indra looks ready to cut us to ribbons, Anya stands beside Gustus-both blank faced, the Commander is indifferent. I keep expecting to see some man break the gathering and announce himself as Nontu. It doesn't happen. I see the boy named Feller on the far side of the gathering in the village center. He meets my eyes and offers me a small smile, I nod back.

The Commander speaks to the people in their language. It's still as fascinating as the first time I'd heard it. Lincoln, finally on his feet and with us, translates.

They hand the Commander a torch to light the pyre with. To finish this with. She lowers the flame before raising it back up, she turns to us-Raven and I-and offers it instead. "The right is yours." She nods to Raven with a notion, she never really moves definitively just a gesture of a full movement.

Raven looks at me, unsure. I nod. Solid. She steps forward and takes it. For a moment it looks like she may cry again, her hand shakes. I feel Teddy's hand on my shoulder, pushing me to move. Everyone but Raven turns to watch me. Teddy's hand wraps around my own to reach up and rest over hers. She worries her bottom lip, eyes glossed over. His hand presses and I help her lower the flame.

" _Yu gonplei ste odon_." I don't even really know what it means but I say it anyway. They say it for a death. I know it sounds harsh on my lips, I may never be able to speak it like they do but I want to respect them, their beliefs and rights. I want to learn the language. I see her watching me from the corner of my eye and again I wish she would tell me her name.

The pyre catches and it's finally over.

Finn is truly gone now, he had been before but this made it that much more real. Raven turns away, I let her go. She needs time to herself.

The Commander takes her place. "Do you know what the words mean?" Her voice is soft. I turn to her but she's watching the fire. Watching her people finally put to rest.

"No, I'm sorry. I just-I just wanted to be respectful. I heard Anya say them before." I worry I've offended her. She tips her head to the side for a moment. Contemplating me maybe? "I want to learn." She finally looks at me. "The language. If we're going to be here we should right?" I try not to think about the shade of green her eyes are. She nods.

"'Your fight is over', the words. It's a way to honor them."

She's silent, watching the pyre again. "I-what's your name?" Her mask slips for a half-second but I see it. Surprise. Did she expect someone had told me, that I'd overheard it somehow? Maybe she never expected me to ask at all, to just call her Commander or Heda-which I assume means Commander. Her lips purse thoughtfully. Then finally, finally she opens her mouth to speak and for a moment I worry she'll tell me I don't need to know.

"Leksa." She pronounces it and it sounds different from how we would say it, it sounds better.

Lexa...looking at her now she looks like a Lexa. Pretty. I don't tell her that because it doesn't seem appropriate. It may never be.

"It's nice to meet you." I sound sad because I am. I wish we'd had the chance to meet when her people aren't dead and burning and my friend wasn't a killer and burning. She doesn't say anything, just nods again. I get the feeling she's a woman of few words. I suppose that when you breathe power...why would you need to speak.

"I am sorry this had to happen this way. I understand that you wanted him with your people." Maybe more words that I thought. "I understand how you feel Clarke." She steps forward and turns to her people. "The Sky People march with us now, and like Nontu before them if anyone interferes they'll pay with their life." Her voice is unwavering, her people don't question her or look away. I see the respect they have for her.

Wherever she leads them from they never question her. I wonder if it was ever frightening for her...to hold all that power with just her presence.

" _God she's intense. It's amazing_." Teddy smirks from beside her. " _I've never been this attracted to anybody, oh no wait_ ," He nods to me. " _That part is you_." I shut him up and he laughs. He laughs, now of all times. What's wrong with me?

* * *

It's a...banquet. A table full of food sits between them and us. Lincoln stands on our side, he seems uncomfortable. Lexa watches me approach, I want to ask her when he'll be here, if he's one of these people and it's somehow a test of patience. Kane offers her a gift, a drink. It's alcohol, liquor. He calls her by her title, Lexa kom Trikru, she seems impressed. Pleased.

"Clarke," she sees me as the leader of my people, I'm not sure they do but I'm also not sure it matters. "Let us drink together." It sounds like a suggestion but I know it'll be disrespectful if I refuse it. " _Absolutely_." Clearly I don't want to. "It'll be my pleasure." Teddy snickers. " _Your pleasure huh_?" Time and place! What is wrong with me? My friend was just put to rest!

"Nontu will toast with us once he arrives." She speaks plainly as she pours a small amount into each...chalice? Teddy shakes his head. " _It's just a cup Clarke, it doesn't matter what you call it_." He's right.

I hope I like it enough to drink it twice. She hands me my cup, Gustus sips from hers first. A taste tester, is he that worried about us trying to kill her? We both need this alliance to work. I want to tell him that but it isn't my place. He nods for us to go ahead.

"Today we celebrate peace between us, tomorrow we plan for war." I hate that I enjoy when she speaks, it makes me ashamed. I'm the worst possible friend. She holds her cup to me. "To the ones who came before and the ones we shall find after." She never looks away.

" _She's good at this_." Yes, she really is. I hold mine to hers and we take a slow drink. I hate it. I _hate_ this drink. I don't know if I can choke it down a second time when Nontu arrives. The only thing that makes it bearable is the look of respect Lexa levels me with once we're finished. I want to seal that bottle in a box and bury it, it's not fit for human consumption. I can't believe people used to drink that for fun.

" _Should we have offered whiskey instead?"_ Shut up.

There's rushed footsteps and shouting before we can sit and even think about eating. Feller bursts into the room, he looks stricken. "Heda, _Heda_ , Nontu is here but he's," he's interrupted by the wall caving in in a burst of stone and metal and dust. It's a flurry of sound and chaos as something crashes into the room and sails clear into the other wall. People dive out of its way. It's a _person_. They slam into the wall before crumpling to the floor in a heap.  

It's silent as everyone stares. Who...

"Um Nontu is...here." Feller mumbles. I want to laugh. This is absurd. I had never imagined my first meeting with the man they call 'The Father' starting anything like this. Teddy whistles. " _Damn_." 

Lexa turns to give a hard look at the boy. "Thank you Feller." Her voice is meant to be blank but I hear the sarcasm. I don't have to look at him to see his head dip in embarrassment. He and Lexa both move forward to help him, I take a half-step. Nontu doesn't move, I can't tell if he's breathing from here. How did he even crash through a stone wall like that? Feller is more concerned than Lexa or maybe she's just better at controlling herself.

There's a grunt before Nontu's arm slides from under his body to push himself up. Through the dust I see he's wearing a helmet. It's solid and the entire front is made of what I somehow feel is bulletproof glass, like the windows on the Ark. Ballistic the guards called it. There isn't even a crack. He stands slowly, Lexa holds his arm to keep him steady. He stumbles for a second.

I can hear muttering outside, I don't need to speak the language to know they want to see that he's alright. Feller tries to help him take his helmet off. "It's jammed."

"Yeah, I got that." His voice is muffled but I hadn't expected him to sound...amused. " _Guy can make an entrance_." Teddy laughs beside him, his clothes are still casual so I must not be worried about him, or this insane situation. His clothes are dark, padded. His head bobs towards the Commander.

"Sorry I'm late, the last trip took longer than expected." He tried himself to remove his helmet, shaking his head when it refuses to come off. "Hope I didn't miss to much."

"Not at all. We preformed the rights and were just toasting. We haven't even begun to eat. You're just in time." She doesn't smile but her voice is less formal, she's happy to see him. Something ugly curls in my stomach. He nods, turning to us.

"Sorry I'm-I," I can't see his face but he freezes when he turns to us. "You," his hand raises to point...at me. "You're here." Who is this man? I want to see his face. He tries again to remove his helmet while gesturing to himself. "It's me-it's," he grunts in frustration. "Can somebody please?" There's distress in his voice, he takes another step. "Clarke," how does he know me?

_"I mean Anya knew your name before you met. That Feller kid must've told him."_ Teddy shrugs while grinning at Nontu's continued struggle.

Finally it's Gustus who turns him around and gives the helmet one hard pull. Nontu yelps. " _Joken skafa_! Leave _some_ of my ears Gustus!" The large man apologizes, surprisingly sheepish. I blink in surprise at the blonde mop of hair that sprouts up from under the headgear. There are no blonde Grounders. Not that I've seen yet. Nontu holds his ears for a moment, mumbling something under his breath.

He turns slowly. I loose my breath.

I hear Raven swear from behind me, there's a hand on my arm, fingers tight. Teddy watches Nontu curiously, lost for words, he turns to me too. My vision blurs at the edges. He looks worried, they both do. He calls my name. Or do they both again? He sounds like Teddy, his voice just a little harder. He takes a step, I take one back. I can hear mom behind me but I can't make out the words. Not now...not when...

Nontu _is_ Teddy.

His hair is a little shorter, there's a scar along his left cheek-small. His eyes are a darker blue but it's him. It's _him_. This isn't happening. It can't be. How could it be? Teddy watches me, unmoving, face blank for the first time in...maybe completely ever. "Clarke?" I turn back to Nontu, that can't be his real name. I take another step back, everyone is staring at us. He looks worried. I can't take it.

The world spins and my vision goes dark. I hear Raven and mom calling me in panic. I hear Teddy. Is it anymore? This can't be happening.

_It can't be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...that happened. Sorry if it's not all you expected. The crash will be explained next chapter but hey, you finally get to meet the Father. I've had his entrance planned since I started though.
> 
> Yu gonplei ste odon-Your fight is over  
> Joken skafa-Fucking hell


	4. Nontu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a much needed, long overdue conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not dead. But I may take another break from this story, I'm not sure yet. I'm just not a fan of where the show is going or what's being done with the characters, that may be an unpopular opinion but it is mine. I've never had an interest in the books.
> 
> Sorry it's taken me so long. I am. Work has been rough. Sorry for any redundancy, I know this isn't my best.

The world spins when I open my eyes, the ceiling is a pale white...I force myself to sit up. My family's quarters.

"Hey Sleepyhead." I turn, Teddy smiles at me from dad's desk. "How do you feel?" I frown at him. Why would I feel different. I tell him I feel fine. "I had this weird dream though." He asks me what about. It blurs in my head. People and places. I tell him about what I can remember.

"We went to the ground." I smile. "It was...difficult but I loved it. There was this girl, she was amazing. Not a lot of control with her but I think she and I got along really well." Teddy smiles. "There was a lot. I think I made some mistakes and I felt terrible." He doesn't smile now. He stands and walks to sit beside me.

His arm wraps around my shoulders, steady. "Did anything else good happen besides meeting that girl?"

"I got to see the ground for the first time. I made other friends. There was another girl...and then..." I flinch, my head starts to pound with a headache. Teddy clutches my shoulders tighter. "I don't-I don't really,"

...Teddy is gone.

* * *

"It'll be okay Clarke."

"I don't want you to go..."

"It'll be okay."

* * *

"What's wrong?"

"...He's not here."

"Clarke..."

"Clarke..."

"Clarke!"

* * *

My head hurts. Badly. I try and sit up and there are hands, I hope, pressing my shoulder back. I squeeze my already closed eyes just a little tighter. "Easy." Raven. My hand reaches out, scrambling, she takes it. I keep my eyes closed. "What happened?" My mouth feels dry. She pauses. It's long. I start to worry. I squeeze her hand a little tighter. She asks me what I remember.

Finally, I open my eyes. The room is dark. My head clears. "We were having peace talks with the Grounders, Lexa..." I remember the crash. The debris and dust and noise. I try to look around the room, it's a little lighter in the area with the hole in the wall. Teddy. He sits across the room, back to the wall. He watches me, his face is worried. I glance at Raven.

"Where is my mom?"

"She uh...she kinda got into a yelling match with the Father." She frowns. "It was intense." She looks behind her, at the empty wall behind her. "Is he there?" She doesn't look back when she asks me.

"Yeah."

"Does he know what's going on?"

Teddy doesn't move, his face doesn't change. "Maybe. He uh...he showed up when something broke in my head." I rehash as I sit up, I feel Raven's hands on my back keeping me steady. I look away from him. Raven asks what I mean. "I told you he was just there one day. I don't remember what happened but I remember something just...broke." Her hand presses into my shoulder. "I never asked my parents or Wells or anyone. Teddy just showed up and whatever was broken stopped bothering me. 

There's a long silence. "Maybe he's here _because_ it still bothers you."

I'd never thought of that.

* * *

Teddy follows Raven and I outside. His clothes are plain, he hasn't said anything since I've woken up. Raven tells me my mom and Nontu were arguing for what seemed like a while. Lexa had insisted they go speak somewhere private, she doesn't know what happened after that. She'd stayed with me. My mom had wanted to but Lexa insisted they go.

I need to find them. I need to talk to my mom, I need to talk to...Nontu. What is his name? I glance at Teddy. Tell me _your_ name. He smiles.

Tell me your name.

"Clarke." Mom. She hugs me, asking me if I'm okay. I tell her I'm fine. I find that I don't want to talk to her. I want to see him. I _need_ to. She tells me how worried she was, that she wanted to stay, she sounds angry that Lexa insisted she go. They didn't solve anything, I don't need to be told to know that. To see it. The angry and regret on her face. But I can't talk to her about this now, I need to see him.

"Where is he?" She looks more worried.

"Honey I'm not sure that's a good idea." I finally hear him, quiet, in my ear. He whispers to me. "I need this, it isn't about you mom." She looks hurt. "Clarke he is," I stop her, I need her to know, between us...the truth.

"I need him to tell me. I don't know what happened or why but I know I need for him to tell me first. Something isn't...right with me. Hasn't been for a," I pause. "A really long time. How you and everyone else see the world isn't how I do because of it. It's just something I need to talk about with him." I don't even know his name. I see Teddy just beyond her shoulder.

He watches me before looking behind him. I see him, Nontu, he's talking to Lexa. He's talking with his hands, his shoulders arch up, he waves behind him. He seems agitated. Lexa looks calm, she nods with small bows of her head, her attention stays on him the whole time. I look back at my mom. She's noticed my attention shift, she nods.

"I'm so sorry Clarke." I believe it this time. I squeeze her hand and step around her. I can feel Raven behind me. I stop a few feet from them.

I turn to her, she offers a smile. "Will you come with me?" She shakes her head and it hurts. "I'd follow you a lot of places Clarke, hell, I have." She taps my shoulder playfully. "This though," she nods over my shoulder. "You need to do this one alone." I know she's right but I'm terrified of this. Of him. "I'll be right outside." She must sense my nerves. I smile gratefully.

She nudges my shoulder. "Get going."

My feet feel heavy. I can't make out what he's saying. Before I can get any closer he shakes his head and walks inside a tent that hadn't been there on our way into the village. Lexa is watching me now. My stomach tightens. "He's expecting you." I nod, I don't know what to say. "He seems as worried as you." That almost sounds like a joke. I need to know though, I have to.

"How long have you known him?" It may be to personal but I can't help but ask.

"Before I became the Commander. Close to eleven years I believe. He's been a good friend." The way she says it leaves me to think she hasn't had many friends. I guess we have that in common. "I never offered him a place in my Coalition."

That confuses me. "But you're friends," she nods with a small dip of her head. "So why us and not him?"

"My people wouldn't have allowed it, they still wouldn't. They accept his people as an ally, they respect him and value his opinion."

"That still sounds like they're a part of this."

"In all but name. It works for both of us. He would deny me even if I asked him." Her lips almost turn into a smile. "He is more apt to answer your questions, he's waiting. If you need anything I won't be far." I let myself wonder, as I watch her walk off-Gustus close behind-if she's always been that stoic.

I take a deep breath. I need this. I step inside his tent.

* * *

It feels like stepping inside Raven's mind, and my dad's. There are designs I can't understand littering a desk, scraps of metal and wires tossed into a corner, maps with circles and Xs splashed across it pinned up. What catches my eye is the large set of wings set aside. They're made of metal, wires, and a kind of mesh I can't quite describe, one of the wings looks crumpled and badly damaged. I guess this happened when he crashed.

"If that's Abigail again," he sounds angry. He pushes into the area, his bed must be back there. He looks surprised when he sees me. "Clarke."

"Hi." I don't know what else to say. He smiles. I realize for the first time that Teddy isn't here with me.

"Sorry, I thought you were," he waves a hand, it shines. It's his knuckles. They're metal. I push away the urge to stare. "Not important, I'm glad you're here." He's changed out of his dark leathers to dark clothes. His shirt and jacket hang loose on his shoulders. He looks like dad, stubble and all. "You probably have questions," I nod slowly. He motions to a small gathering of cushioned chairs. "Please."

He asks me if I want anything to eat or drink, I remember not having the chance to eat before the crash but I think I've lost my appetite. I decline the food but accept the water, my throat feels dry. I can't help but stare at the knuckles of his hand when he offers me the cup, the candle light glints off the metal and I can see curves and ridges just under the skin...this arm isn't real. He catches me staring.

He smiles, kindly. "Lost it back in that damn mountain." He sits slowly, wiggling his fingers. "Took me uh-took me a while to get the parts together, even longer to get it to work right." I want to ask, he must see it when he looks up at me from his hand. "Fifteen years now. I was eight when it all...well, happened." He swallows and chokes out a deep breath.

"I don't remember. I mean I guess a part of me must but," I don't know how to make it clear without him thinking I'm insane. I don't know him. He's not the Teddy I'd imagined. But he's not Teddy, he's someone I've never met but always wanted to and I don't even, "I don't know your name. I can't remember." Hurt flashes across his face before understanding takes its place.

"Carver. And you were only three."

I'm scared to ask. To hope. "So you are..." my brother? I don't want anyone to say anything more than him telling me he is in this moment. Nothing else exists outside this bubble, nothing else is real. Is this how Octavia and Bellamy feel?

"Your brother? Yeah." He smiles. Carver. Carver Griffin. Something small clicks into place. He sips his drink. "They weren't gonna float dad or mom, not yet anyway." He knows. "I was expendable and it gave them the excuse to see how toxic the Earth still was. My communications were broken in the crash, anything that could've told them I was alive," he lifts his hand in a fist and opens it making a crashing sound with his mouth. "Gone."

"Why would they do that to you? How could they?"

He shrugs. "Working adults versus an eight year old? It was either one of their top workers, one being their best surgeon, or you. I offered instead." I imagined that part about him right. Protective. It makes me happy. And incredibly guilty at the same time. "Dad got them to stall for as long as he could under the idea of sending me down. He wanted me to have a chance." His eyes meet mine.

"He's gone isn't he?" It's a question but he says it like he already knows. I nod. "...Was it her?" Mom. I nod again. "She always was..." he glances at me before shaking his head. "Never mind. I figured they would eventually." I ask him how he knows that. His smile is so sad it makes my chest hurt. "Because he always wanted to do the right thing and that doesn't line up with the principles of the Ark."

He's right.

"Did he ever start drawing again?" That surprises me.

"I didn't know he ever did."

"He used to sketch out small things, he stopped after everything started. I remember watching him tuck them all away. That was sad." He had so much less time with him than I got to have. We both know it, neither of us says it. I want to tell him I'm sorry, that I forgot him, for not even remembering his name. My eyes burn and his face blurs, I hear his voice, concerned. "Hey, I'm sorry I didn't mean to-are you-do you need anything?" I'm at a loss for what to say, I shake my head. I need to explain.

I can't look at him. I don't want to see his face if he judges me. Calls me insane. "I-something broke." I motion with a hand toward my head. "I can't remember what is was but now...I," I choke on a sob. "I think it was you being sent away. I remember crying and then he showed up." He asks quietly. Any louder and it may break the bubble of silence.

"Teddy. I-he...he was there and I thought I just made him up from some face I'd seen before or dreamt up but," I finally look up. Carver still looks worried, his lips are pressed into a frown. "He looked like you, looks. Not exactly anymore but then. I think something fractured and I ended up keeping a part of you I could remember." It doesn't make sense. No matter how I explain it. I can't make it better.

His knuckles glint as his hand curls around mine, I may not have known it wasn't real if it weren't for the metal. "You think I'm crazy." I mumble. He chuckles. "No I don't. Kids have imaginary friends Clarke, and you were little when it happened I didn't really expect you to remember me, but it sounds like Teddy was a way to cope."

"He is."

He glances behind him. "Can you see him now?" I shake my head. "How much does he look like me?" I tell him, that their hair is a different shade of blonde, that his eyes are a little more haunted (he smiles at that). "Teddy doesn't usually have scars." He asks what I mean. "If I'm upset or in real trouble I'll see him with scars on his face and neck...they don't look like yours though."

"Courtesy of Mount Weather." He motions to the scar that runs up his neck from under the collar of his shirt. "That doctor does some sloppy work, almost couldn't even build myself this arm to match up. Part of why it took so long."

"Why did they take your arm?"

He chuckles. "Science I guess, or maybe just fun. Dante never knew, not until the end, he may not still. His son is the morally ambiguous one. That doctor though," there's rage in his eyes. "That woman has _no_ soul." His face darkens and I want to distract him from whatever pain he feels.

"I used to draw him, still do sometimes, Teddy I mean. I can show you." It comes out as a question in the end.

He smiles instantly. "I'd like that. And don't feel crazy about having an imaginary friend, if you need him you need him." He takes his hand away, suddenly sheepish. "I used to imagine who you'd be." I take comfort in that. "The things you'd say or do."

"Do I match up?"

"Mm...you're way tougher than I imagined. When you would visit in the Sky Box I'd braid little pieces of colored fabric in your hair, Abigail," I imagine that hurts her. "she could never get it just right. I used to try and picture what you would be like. You're blonder and there's nothing braided in your hair." He grins. "So pretty close."

Again I wonder if this is how Octavia feels when with Bellamy, chest full of affection. The affection has always been there. Aimed at Teddy, but this is so very different and so much more. I see him, like I used to when pulled in different directions. He stands behind Carver, his clothes are plain. I still have this affection for Teddy. I may always it's been a part of me for so many years.

He asks if he measures up. How I imagined him.

"It changed." His head tips in curiosity. "Based on where I was and what I needed then. If I needed to hear the truth he told me, always." Carver nods slowly, he's waiting. "But he's funny, he made me feel better. I always thought of him...you, as an optimist. He corrected me once," I chuckle now but I remember being upset with him at the time. "He said I imagined him as a realist."

Carver chuckles now. "Pretty accurate. I guess we'll just have to see won't we?" I nod. I'm excited to get to know him. As he really is.

I feel Teddy at my shoulder, I resist the urge to turn to him. " _Ask him about what Lexa said_." I don't want to break this moment, but I know (logically) that other's will come. I only hesitate a moment. "Lexa-Lexa told me you weren't part of her coalition?"

"I'm not. My people wouldn't be welcomed. They appreciate our help but it's better for everyone this way. I'm allowed to make moves for her outside and she can help me as an ally and friend when I need it." He sips his drink.

"Why aren't you allowed?"

"Survival of the fittest honestly. I take in people that have 'defects'," his fingers curl at the word. "It can come from radiation or just bad luck." He motions towards the tent entrance. "Take Feller for example, kid sticks out like a candle at midnight so to Lexa's people he's essentially useless. To me he does great in colder weather, he's also quick to learn new things."

"Just because of that they toss him aside?"

"If you can't pull your weight where and when it's needed then neither are you."

I worry my bottom lip. "That sounds...harsh." Who I'd seen Lexa as doesn't line up with that ideal. Carver shrugs.

"It's hard here Clarke but those rules help _them_ survive, my rules help _my_ people survive. People born with one arm, deformed faces and bodies, conjoined twins. I take them all in and their families if they choose with a promise of honesty." He sets his cup down. "Everyone has a use and a place, this works better for all of us." It clicks then, why they call him Father. I ask him why he does it.

"No one else would? Because it was the best thing to do? Because I want to be a good person? Take a pick." He smiles. "More answers in more time." He stands and offers me a hand, his knuckles shine again. "We need to make moves on the Mountain, going to Ring Valley for supplies is a best start but that'll have to wait another day. Lexa wants to start making a plan in the morning. You'll join us."

"I will?"

"Of course. You've been making the hard calls, hard calls make a leader." He leads me to the entrance. I glance back at the wings. "They're how I take care of things faster, must've malfunctioned from the last plant, to much wear and tear maybe. Sorry for crashing the party, literally." Teddy laughs beside me, I smile. "You think your friend Raven would help me fix them?"

I scoff. "I think it's just what she needs right now." A distraction. He nods. A thought passes, Teddy whispers in my ear. "What's Ring Valley?"

He holds open the tent for me. "Basically exactly what it sounds like. The only way in or out is a single road that's always guarded. There's a steep gorge the whole way across the front and the cliffs are to sharp to climb in any direction. The only _real_ way into the valley is through the tower and going down through several feet of rock." He smirks as we step outside. "And with my permission."

"Sounds safe." I notice people dip into bows and mutter his name, 'Nontu', as we pass them. He smiles at every one of them.

"The safest. Cliffs on all sides and only one way in, I didn't have anything when I landed here. After the mountain I just traveled and collected scrap for my arm. I found that gorge and scaled my way across with a well placed arrow and rope...I didn't have anything until I found that valley." He rolls his head in a small circle once. "Polis is pretty safe too but that's because of the insane amount of guards Lexa keeps around. For obvious reason."

"Polis?" My world keeps expanding.

"The Capital. This side of the world anyway. Most other places in the world are small cities and trading posts. Nothing as big as the coalition." He waves a hand. "Lexa can tell you more than I can, she probably should."

Teddy mumbles in my ear. "How long has she been Commander?"

Carver tucks air into his cheeks and puffs it out. "She ascended when she was twelve," I want to tell him that's insane, that it can't possibly be true that all of these people would follow a child. But I'm still a child myself. That'd be hypocritical. "So almost ten years soon. She's lasted longer than a lot of them from what she's told me." He tucks his hands into his pockets. "Couple of one-year-wonders in the list of Commanders. The wonder part is occasionally sarcastic."

"She said you've known each other for almost eleven years." I hope I don't sound jealous, of either of them.

"I passed through Polis a few times after the Mountain, stayed for a few months. They were eager to help after I told them I'd escaped. She was quiet, but kind. A few months on my way back through I found out about her ascension. She was still kind." He smiles. "A little harder maybe but...she and I still became friends. She helped me gather parts for my arm while I stayed. Kliff and I had started to drift by then." His voice becomes somber and dripped with regret.

"Kliff?"

"We escaped the Mountain together. He's about Lexa's age. Another story for another time." He nods ahead. I glance over to see Lexa waiting with Gustus. "This'll be an all-nighter, Raven can come if she wants."

I look behind us to see Raven standing off to the side, leaning against a hut. I'm surprised and not at all at the same time to see Anya beside her. Neither are speaking. She catches my eye and I wave her over, Anya follows at Carver's signal. " _Nontu_ ," he waves off the warrior's sentiment and insists she can call him by his name. She declines. This looks like something that happens often.

"The Commander wants to start making plans tonight. You want to sit in?" She nods, there's almost a smile on her face. She doesn't know but Teddy hugs her, it's meant to be kind. It is kind. I take her hand and tug her along. "Carver wants your help for a project later, he thinks you can help. I think you can too."

Raven glances at him. "How do you know I can?"

"I have ears everywhere."

"Super comforting."

"I appreciate your sarcasm where others might not." He means it.

* * *

It's much later that Lexa calls for a break. Carver is sat down across from her, feet kicked up on the table. Feller stands behind him, he was right...his pale skin and hair stand out. Raven elects to stay in. I need a breather. Carver offers to come with me, he wants to stay close and so do I but I decline. It's still a lot to soon. I want to process.

" _So Lexa seems...cool."_ Teddy falls into step beside me.

You're worse than Raven.

_"Not sure that's even possible but I will take it as a compliment."_ He turns to look behind us. " _I wonder if he'll ever work things out with your mom_." My mom. I think back on my own hostility, was it only ever just about dad? " _You can ask_." That would make it worse. He hums. " _Speak of the devil_."

Mom looks nervous. More nervous than when she told me she was sending us to the ground. She also looks incredibly sad. She stops a few feet from me, her hands wring together, her knuckles turn white. "Clarke," I don't say anything. "How was it? With..."

"Carver?" She flinches. It makes me sick that I enjoy it for a moment. "It was good, I needed it. Why," what do I even start with? Why did they never talk about him, why did we never say his name again...there are to many. "Why would you keep that from me? He's my brother and he was sent down here...we just never talked about it?" I can't wrap my mind around it.

"You were so little and...your father and I just, we thought it would be easier."

"We, or just you?" She takes a step back like I've hit her. "Dad never wanted to talk about it? I guess that's how the Ark prefers to handle things. We never talk about it. Well now here we are. My brother runs his own collective of people he wants to help, one of his closest friends is the leader of a huge Coalition, and there's a huge time gap I don't know if we can ever fill because I never knew he existed."

I glare at her. Why do these things keep happening like this? I forgave her for what happened to dad. I think I did. Now this. "It's really easy mom."

She squeezes her hands tighter together. "I don't want to argue Clarke." She holds out a small bottle. "I collected this from the pyre. It isn't much but maybe you could give him a proper burial?"

Teddy grunts. " _Raven needs those, not us_." If she'll even take them. Who even knows if there is any of Finn left. She should have left it alone.

"Raven should have them." I take a step back. "She's still inside if you want-" she cuts me off. I expected it.

She shakes her head quickly. "No no-you should. I can't...he isn't ready and neither am I." I want to ask her at what point did she give up hope he'd survived but I keep it to myself. Angry as I am I can't take every cheap shot given to me. "I want to know the man he is when he's ready to talk, not because I forced him." She looks at me with an expression I can't quite name. "I have done a lot wrong as a parent Clarke. Giving him space is one thing I can do right."

I take the bottle when she offers it to me. Mom takes a step back. "I am sorry Clarke." 

Teddy whispers in my ear. "There will be a day I believe that." She looks hurt, I turn away. I've had enough air. She's ruined whatever piece of mind I came outside to get. Carver and Lexa are standing in the doorway talking, I wonder when they stepped out. They look to me when I walk over. Carver asks if I'm okay, he looks worried. "Just getting something for Raven." He nods.

He doesn't pry anymore. He respects my lack of answers. "I'm sure she'll appreciate it." I'm not. Lexa dips her head in a shallow nod. She turns and leads the way back inside, Carver motions for me to follow. He closes the door behind us. There's to much to be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about kinda bashing Abby, my way of getting back at her for zapping Raven over some drugs. Sorry not sorry. It's petty I know.
> 
> Again I'm sorry it's taken me so long but after this I do think I should take a bit of a break (again, I know) my heart just isn't in the fandom right now and that'll make for worse work.

**Author's Note:**

> And so it continues...
> 
> I do not know what is going on with this show. I watched season 5, now it's fighting for Earth to fighting for an alien planet? I haven't read the books, if this is part of it then excuse my ignorance but it just feels like it keeps spiraling a little out of control.  
> Nothing against Bellark, but I've always only seen them as platonic best friends, why can't two main characters of opposite sex ever just only be friends? That's an honest question. Again, nothing against that relationship, but it's not for me.
> 
> I like Madi, she's pretty rad and I'm dying for a scene of her ascending a throne just like Lexa did. But them talking about her like that in this season broke my heart all over again.


End file.
